On Turning 65 . . .So Old, So Fast! Yes, Another Birthday. . .

This past week while on Facebook, a gentleman began to chat with me.  We exchanged the normal greetings.  Then, he brought a curious question, "How old are you?" 

I responded, "An African woman doesn't tell her age."  (For those of you who don't know, I have been married to a Nigerian man for eleven years. I have learned this response from some of my Nigerian friends.)

He persisted, "Tell me your age."

I chuckled to myself wondering why he needed or even wanted to know my age.

I replied, "Since this seems so important to you, perhaps you should take a guess."

A few minutes later a message came, "I think you are 65."

I sat astounded.  I have never had someone tell me they think I am that old.  I asked, "Did you take a look at my picture?"

He said, "Yes, you look 65 in it."

(for your reference, here is the picture

I examined my picture closely.  I don't have many wrinkles, nor do I have grey hair.  But I became curious.  I realized he was entitled to his own perspective.  Through his lenses, I must have seemed like an older woman.

I found it fascinating.  Especially with my birthday coming up.  Age is just a number.  Most importantly, is how do I feel inside myself--am I at peace, satisfied, filled with joy, living purposefully?  That is my aim no matter how young or old I appear to others.

I let the man know, "Well, I am actually about half the age of what you suggested."  I could tell he was uncomfortable.  He tried to get beyond the topic saying, "Could we please talk about something else?"

Ha ha ha ha.  He he he he.  The whole situation struck me as quite hilarious.  It still does tonight as I write.

This past year of my life has been full of profound learning and deep personal change.  I thought I might take a few minutes and list out some of the key lessons I gained.

1.  When you think you have hit an end, it is really just a new beginning.  I faced some of the most difficult personal circumstances one can imagine mid-way through the year.  I admit it--there were moments of such darkness that I felt shaken.  I wondered how I would go on and how a solution could emerge.  Yet, day after day, light and hope would show up.  It came in so many forms.  I closed one door and another bigger, more amazing door opened. 

2.  Letting go of the old is essential for what you really want to show up.  It is easy to cling to what we currently have thinking that nothing more will show up.  Or, that we will end up with something worse than we already have.  Experiences taught me that it was necessary to let go what no longer fit me, what I had outgrown.  I had to let go of the one trapeze so that I could fully embrace the next one coming toward me.  That moment "in between" trapeze swings can feel exhilarating.  And, the more I faced my fears head on, the more exciting the changes became.

I am going to finish this post later...it seems our power is going out for Hurricane Sandy any moment.

Tomorrow morning as I wake, I won't be 65.  I will actually be............................................................................................................Another year old than I am right now.  And, that feels really wonderful.  I am deeper, stronger, more courageous and joyful than I have ever been in my life.  There is much to come in this new year.  So I celebrate wholeheartedly.


With a smile,
Patricia Omoqui, The Thought Dr.

www.patriciaomoqui.com

Ask, Wait, Receive the Messages - A Powerful Process You Can Start Using Now!

Last week I had something amazing happen.




On Wednesday, I was dealing all day with a challenge. It was intensely emotional. After many phone calls and emails, I was simply unsure of how to handle the situation. I was trying my best yet feeling as if I was not doing enough to find a solution.



On my way home from Philadelphia, I said a prayer, "Please give me a message. What do I need to know about this situation? What more can I do?"



Literally no more than a minute after uttering that cry for help, a bus drove by. The advertisement on the side of the bus said in big, bold letters: "You are doing all you can--and more!"



I was shocked by the message, and comforted.



Then, a minute later another bus drove by me. The advertisement on the side of this one said: "Being Tested Makes You Stronger."



I smile. A few tears rolled down my cheek. I got the very direct and clear messages needed.



The past week as I continued to face the situation, the messages have echoed through my heart and mind bringing a smile to my face in the midst of the intense challenge.



I am always pleasantly surprised by how clear the messages and signs are when we ask to be shown what we need.



This week I suggest you try this simple process:



1. Either speak aloud or write down the questions burning in your mind.



2. Ask for a message, a clear sign and indication to answer your question.



3. Relax and wait. Keep eyes, ears and heart wide open as you go throughout your days. Notice the signs and signals.



4. Record the questions and the answers you receive in a journal. Over time you will be amazed at how clearly you are guided when you seek God's help.



I'd love to hear from you as you experiment with this process--or, if you already use this method and get results,



Have a message filled week!



Patricia omoqui, The Thought Dr.

http://www.patriciaomoqui.com

Resist or Receive? You May Be Making Life Harder than It Needs To Be!

“You can’t help people that don’t want to be helped.” 

 John Armstrong

Last night I sat at the dining room table doing homework with my children. One of them was working on a math assignment. I observed her as she worked. She was making errors as she did some of the problems. I offered to help her so she could get the correct answers.

She became visibly upset. “I know how to do this, Mom,” she said. “The teacher told me to do it THIS way!” She was adamant that she had it right and was totally unwilling to receive my help.

I remained patient.  I made my suggestions then backed off.  Initially, she refused to do what I recommended.  After about fifteen minutes, I noticed she had gone back and changed the answers with what I had offered her.

This morning as I woke I was reflecting on the situation. I asked myself, “Am I ever like that?” I expected my answer to be a clear, “No!” But, I chuckled. I have to admit that I am guilty of doing the same thing.

In fact, the day before I had been struggling with a work situation. I could see that I was being offered a Divine solution to the challenge. There was a clear, simple way forward. But, I was stuck in my thinking. I wanted to use an old mindset to judge myself, thereby making the situation feel harder than it needed to be.

All too often the answers, the help, the solutions we need are offered to us. But, we have already decided we will figure it out on our own and do it the way WE feel is best. We may even throw a tantrum or get emotionally upset when someone tries to offer us an alternate approach.

I challenge you this week to notice if there are situations in your life where you are resisting help rather than receiving it with gratitude.  

Consider these questions:  Is your ego getting in the way? Are you being stubborn and refusing help? Are you open to making life easier than it currently is? Or, are you determined to do it your way even if it means your way is the harder way?

Observe. Don’t judge. Become aware. New possibilities exist if we are willing to open our eyes and ears to notice.

Be willing to ask for and receive help. In fact, be willing to receive as much help as possible. In the words of Jim Rohn, American speaker and author, “Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don’t go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won’t laugh at you.” After experiencing the stress with my daughter yesterday, I have decided to get out my bucket and receive as much help as possible so that my life will get better and easier.

With a smile,

Patricia Omoqui, The Thought Dr.
http://www.patriciaomoqui.com

Dealing with a Long Commute? 8 Positive Ways to Use Your Time

Oh, the dreaded long commute!  Sitting in traffic or having a long train / bus trip can feel like a drag and drain one's energy. . . or, it can be a fantastic time to uplift and rejuvenate yourself if you use it wisely.

Here are eight positive ways to use your commuting time:

1. Breathe.  Yes, breathe deeply.  Take a deep breath in for five seconds.  Hold it in for five and then release the air slowly for five seconds.  Do it several times as you calm yourself down and infuse your body with needed refreshment. 

2. Pray.  The extra moments of a morning commute provide you a few minutes to whisper a prayer.  Give thanks for blessings.  Spill your heart and hand over those burdens and worries to the caring hands of God. 

3.  Learn.  If someone else is driving, you can read a book.  If you are the one behind the wheel, listen to one on CD.  Delve into topics you have always wanted to explore.  A chapter a day will keep the boredom away and stimulate new growth.

4.  Prioritize.  Make your daily to-do list.  Use your audio recording function or your notes function on your phone.  Write down the key things you need to accomplish. Then put them in order of importance.  This simple gameplan will allow you to maximize your working time.

5. Sing.  Uplift your spirit with inspirational music.  Get your head bobbing and your heart pumping with a great song.

6.  Ponder.  Choose a wise saying or a scripture to meditate on.  Memorize it by reading it or saying it over and over.  Then consider ways you may begin to apply the idea to your daily life.

7.  Engage.  Use all your senses to take in the gorgeous scenery and intricate noises.  Enjoy and cherish the magic of nature.

8.  Dream.  Consider the question, "If I could create anything in my life, what would would I want?"  Imagine in detail what the new things coming into your life will look like.  Have fun opening your mind and heart to exciting possibilities.

Cherish the moments, yes, even those when you have to commute!

Hope these ideas work for you.  Share what works for you in the comments below!

Savor life!

With love,
Patricia Omoqui, The Thought Dr.
www.patriciaomoqui.com

Get Honest--Yes, Get REALLY Honest

Honesty is the Best Policy. . .


I marvel at the honesty and fearlessness of my growing girls. They don’t hesitate to say what is on their mind. At three years of age, my daughter Skye, met her pre-school teacher for the first time. The teacher was wearing a pair of open-toed sandals. Skye kept looking at her teacher’s toes and finally whispered to me, “Mommy, what’s wrong with her toes?”

I looked down and saw the teacher’s toes were pressed together and crossed in a very unusual way. Was it a genetic condition or arthritis? I didn’t know. But of course, Skye said it all loud enough so the teacher heard her. The teacher was gracious and laughed. It was a funny moment and I found the candor and honesty on both sides refreshing.

I have a life coaching client who suffered a stroke several years ago. After her stroke she couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk well and didn’t look normal. She told me that people would just stare at her, obviously questioning in their mind what had happened to her. Yet, no one would ask about her physical challenges.

She wished that they would ask the questions rather than just stare.

She was willing to share her story with them, and it would have allowed for a personal connection rather than an awkward moment.

We have learned not to say what we mean or mean what we say. In fact, our communication with others is often so vague or convoluted that people don’t really understand our point of view. When we represent ourselves we tend to adjust the truth, misrepresenting our possessions, our achievements, and our relationships.

The ironic aspect of this is that in the last analysis, the only person we are really deceiving is ourselves.

If you pay close attention when someone is telling you something, you can tell whether it is coming from the energy of truth or the energy of dishonesty. Body language, eye movements and tone of voice will give people away. So does time. Remember that when you stretch truth, it can snap back with a sting.

We often tell so many small lies that we can’t even remember who we’ve told what, how we’ve presented ourselves to certain people…and inevitably, we get found out in the end. In fact, I have met several people in recent years who have told very large fibs in an attempt to make themselves look good. Months later, they didn’t even remember what they had told me because it wasn’t really true. Liars get found out eventually.  

I'd like us all to take some time this week to observe closely our level of honesty. Take time to notice the following:


1.  Notice how often you “adjust” the truth.  Do you tell white lies or half truths? Do you leave out important details when the other person needs to know the whole story? Do you stretch the truth to make yourself or situations you are experiencing seem bigger and better (or smaller and less significant) than they actually are?

2. Notice how you feel when someone is dishonest with you. Are you hurt, angry or disappointed? Would you rather have been told the truth? What happened in these relationships because of dishonesty?

3. Observe how you feel when someone is honest.  Do you begin judging them when they tell the truth about themselves and their life? Do you react in anger when someone expresses how they really feel about you or a situation involving you? Or, are you grateful when people speak with an open heart?

4. Pause often to give thought to the way being more honest with yourself and others might change your relationships and your life. Would you appreciate honesty from others? How would it feel to you to be more honest yourself? Would it be freeing to just be you all the time?

If you are stuck in a habit of dishonesty, it may be difficult to face some situations in which you have created misimpressions. An “unwinding” may occur as you begin to speak honestly with those you have shared mistruths in the past. Thinking of that transition may cause fear. Don’t worry about that.

All you must do this week is begin to look at your habits as they relate to honesty. Don’t judge what you observe. Just look honestly. Honesty begins within.


Have an honest week ahead!

Patricia Omoqui, The Thought Dr.

Parable of the Woman and the Gem

For anyone struggling with self-esteem or self-worth issues, you may be able to relate to this parable I penned a few years back....please comment and let me know what you think.

The Parable of the Woman and the Gem

There once was a lovely woman blessed with unique talents. To outside observers, she appeared to have it all. Yet this woman failed to see her own beauty. In fact, when she looked in the mirror, she told herself, “You are flawed and inadequate. Sure, there is some good in me and some positives in my life but….” These things were not her focus. Replaying memories stirred up hurt, shame and guilt that weighed her down with misery.


She would muster the courage to put on a pleasant smile. She did her best at work, at school, and at home with her family. Yet inside she struggled. She carried inner wounds. The tedium of daily life exhausted her. She wanted something different for herself. She yearned for something more.


One day she hit a point of inner suffering so profound that she could no longer bear her life as it was. Something had to change.


A Voice within whispered,

“There is more! Simply open to the possibility of change. Be willing.”

Echoes of this voice pervaded quiet moments. Sometimes she listened. Sometimes she turned her attention to other voices within and around her.

Yet in the silence of the night her heart embraced the message,

“Change is possible. There is another way to look at things, another way to live.”

The woman decided to open to this other way. She had no idea how change could occur, no time to figure it out, no energy left to focus on it. Her hours were consumed with family, bills and survival. She did not know how to change.



She did not need to.

Opening her mind unlocked a place in her heart that she had somehow overlooked. As she shined the light of her attention on this inner chamber she discovered a magnificent, precious stone. It was her birthright, the inestimable value bestowed on her by God. This rare gem was waiting to be noticed. She had failed to notice it in the intensity of her daily life. She had been searching outside herself for value and approval. She was concerned, “What did others think of me?” She looked to them for acceptance and appreciation.

“Oh!” gasped the woman glimpsing the dazzling gem, “my value, my beauty resides in my heart. It is not outside me. No, it is within me. It has always been in me!” Although the woman was ecstatic with her new understanding, she also felt angry: “How could I have missed this and suffered for so many years, searching and striving for something I already had?”

The woman’s anger grew as she re-hashed the past and pictured how different her life might have been had she known this truth years before. Gradually she began to release her regrets. She saw that holding them was only hurting her. She realized that she had done the best she could with the knowledge she had at the time. It was a miracle that she had found a new way to view herself. She came to see that every situation she had lived through had been necessary for this discovery. .

She sat quietly and felt growing delight. “At last I see my own value.”

What a relief! She no longer had to prove herself to others. She knew she was worthy.


This woman learned that as a living being, she IS beauty. She does not have to work at being beautiful. She realized she IS love. She does not have to strive to be loved. She realized she IS power. She does not have to use force to prove it. She IS worthy already. She simply needs to BE – to be herself. She could now relax into being the beautiful creation of God that she is.

New energy and joy flowed through her. She now had a new perspective on life.

She no longer needed to make a show of herself and her accomplishments. She could be whatever she wanted to be. She could relax. She could honor herself. She could choose ways to use her time and energy that made her feel good inside. She could choose to interact with those people who brought her joy.

She could be whatever she wanted to be.

She thanked God for this amazing insight that was transforming her life.



She smiles. She breathes. She laughs. She jokes. She relaxes. She chooses not to worry. She trusts herself. Others see the difference in her; it is remarkable. She stands tall. She carries herself with confidence. She exudes to others the love that shines from her heart. She inspires them now by what she does with her life.

Her outward circumstances did not change, her acceptance of them did. She approaches each day as a fresh start. No longer is she surviving, instead she relishes ordinary moments. Her life feels easier now. It takes far less effort. She sings as she attends to her family. She pays her bills with a grateful heart. She has tapped into the power of her Soul. She knows that by changing her thoughts, she has changed her inner world. Changes in her outer world are bound to follow.



Her life is a story of on-going transformation-- a journey that begins with self-acceptance and moves into deeper and deeper realization.



This is my story. I share it with you because these ideas have set me free. They have empowered me to be proud of who I am. No year of my life is wasted. No experience is without value. Each day I live on earth is worthwhile. Difficult circumstances urge me toward growth and the willingness to open more fully to my Self.



So, too, your life is unfolding in the way most appropriate for your soul’s growth. Begin to see it that way. Begin to invite a new perspective.


Breathe deeply today. Let out a sigh of relief. You are a gift to the world, a treasure. You are growing into the person you are destined to be. Reclaim your power. Emerge into your fullness. It is time to embrace life with gratitude. It is time to DREAM, to imagine, and to open to the beautiful possibilities Life wants to offer you.

Just open to change. Be willing. It’s that simple.

Your assignment this week is to take at least 5 minutes each day to sit in silence. As you sit quietly, visualize a brilliant gem, glowing in your heart. What color is it? Can you feel its energy? Notice how it sparkles with light from within itself. Experience the connection to that Light. Remember how valuable you are.

With love,
Patricia Omoqui, The Thought Dr.
http://www.patriciaomoqui.com

Eleven Insights from Eleven Years of Marriage!

(David and I August 2001 in Lansdale, PA after wedding ceremony)

(David and I in Aubja several weeks ago)

August 2012 is a landmark for me. I am celebrating! Eleven years ago, my husband David (Yes, he is Nigerian. And for those of you who are curious, he comes from Edo State.) and I had our church wedding. What a festive event it was! David’s parents travelled from Benin to Philadelphia to join us. Several siblings came from London. For the ceremony the bride and groom wore traditional American dress; for the reception we donned Naija attire. Our guests feasted on both American and Nigerian cuisine and we danced the night away.

More than a full decade of marriage has slipped by. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but then no marriage is. David and I have both grown tremendously. Mark Twain once said, “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” Perhaps in 2026 I will be qualified to write an essay on “perfect love.” Today, however, I humbly offer some insights I have gained so far.

1. Marriage is not a dream. Marriage is not THE ANSWER to life. Marriage is the experience of two people choosing to build a life together. It is neither easy nor magical. It is hard work. As Barbara De Angelis, expert on love and relationships puts it, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” When both spouses are committed and each puts forth consistent effort, the marriage relationship can be deeply satisfying.

2. Each spouse is responsible for his or her own happiness. It is not up to your spouse to “make you happy” or “fulfill you.” That is YOUR own responsibility. If you expect another person to “complete you,” the unrealistic expectation you create becomes a heavy burden. When both spouses take care of their own personal well-being, they have something wonderful to share with one another.

3. Allow your spouse to be who he or she is! George Levinger, Professor Emeritus of Psychology (University of Massachusetts), tells us, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.” I have learned I cannot change my husband. He cannot change me. We must accept and appreciate our differences—personalities, cultures, viewpoints, strengths, fears and foibles. In fact, our differences are often factors that make us able to complement each other. In the words of famous movie character Rocky, “I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other’s gaps.” Each spouse is a work in progress. By growing as individuals, we have more to bring back to the partnership.

4. Facing challenges in life is not optional. Winston Churchill wisely said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going!” Couples have choices: “Will we use the difficulties to grow together or to drift apart? Will you become angry and play the blame game or will you unite as a team and find solutions.” According to American journalist Doug Larson, “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”

5. In marriage, both partners need space. Yes, there may be times when we grow tired of one another. “Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in shade” (Leo Buscaglia, relationship expert and author of Love). Short breaks are important so both spouses can refresh and renew themselves. Folk wisdom teaches us, “To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart, a finger’s breadth, for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.”

6. Weave individual visions into a shared vision for life. Build a life that will allow each spouse to find purpose and fulfillment. Then, work as a team so that each can gradually accomplish what he or she wants to achieve. Of course, there may be times when one needs to let the other make more progress. Honor one another; take turns. Affirm your dedication to your success as individuals and as a team.

7. Do unto your spouse as you would have him or her do unto you. Step into his shoes. Try to see life from her perspective. Let The Golden Rule be your guide: treat one another with respect, understanding and grace.


8. When all of life seems to be caving in, remember, you have love. Possessions and money can be replaced. After any tragedy, what matters most is that the people you love are still there. Focus on what you DO have and enjoy it. Celebrate the smallest of blessings even when life feels heavy. Let the wings of love carry you through life’s dark times.


9. Take time to share your feelings and express your desires. Your spouse cannot read your mind and you cannot read your spouse’s mind. Be honest. Listen to one another without defense. Regular communication will keep walls from being silently built between you.


10. Commit yourself each day to finding the good—in yourself and your spouse. What we focus on grows. If you want to feel disappointed and resentful, you will find plenty of things to judge. However if your goal is compassion and encouragement, you will discover kind things to say to your spouse and about your spouse. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” (Mignon McLaughlin). Water the seeds of love by consistently seeking the best in your partner.

11.  Laugh, dance and lighten up.  When life seems overly serious and heavy, try to find something to laugh about.  If laughter is hard to find, then at least put on some music and dance  Someone once said, "If God is the DJ, then Life is the dance floor; Love is the rhythm, and You are the music."

Food For Thought

"I will ask no more of life

than this:

that I might love you

through all my days,

and that you may find

both peace and joy

in the constancy

of my heart."

Robert Sexton, American romantic, artist and poet