(David and I August 2001 in Lansdale, PA after wedding ceremony)
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(David and I in Aubja several weeks ago)
More than a full decade of marriage has slipped by. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but then no marriage is. David and I have both grown tremendously. Mark Twain once said, “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” Perhaps in 2026 I will be qualified to write an essay on “perfect love.” Today, however, I humbly offer some insights I have gained so far.
1. Marriage is not a dream. Marriage is not THE ANSWER to life. Marriage is the experience of two people choosing to build a life together. It is neither easy nor magical. It is hard work. As Barbara De Angelis, expert on love and relationships puts it, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” When both spouses are committed and each puts forth consistent effort, the marriage relationship can be deeply satisfying.
2. Each spouse is responsible for his or her own happiness. It is not up to your spouse to “make you happy” or “fulfill you.” That is YOUR own responsibility. If you expect another person to “complete you,” the unrealistic expectation you create becomes a heavy burden. When both spouses take care of their own personal well-being, they have something wonderful to share with one another.
3. Allow your spouse to be who he or she is! George Levinger, Professor Emeritus of Psychology (University of Massachusetts), tells us, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.” I have learned I cannot change my husband. He cannot change me. We must accept and appreciate our differences—personalities, cultures, viewpoints, strengths, fears and foibles. In fact, our differences are often factors that make us able to complement each other. In the words of famous movie character Rocky, “I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other’s gaps.” Each spouse is a work in progress. By growing as individuals, we have more to bring back to the partnership.
4. Facing challenges in life is not optional. Winston Churchill wisely said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going!” Couples have choices: “Will we use the difficulties to grow together or to drift apart? Will you become angry and play the blame game or will you unite as a team and find solutions.” According to American journalist Doug Larson, “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”
5. In marriage, both partners need space. Yes, there may be times when we grow tired of one another. “Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in shade” (Leo Buscaglia, relationship expert and author of Love). Short breaks are important so both spouses can refresh and renew themselves. Folk wisdom teaches us, “To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart, a finger’s breadth, for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.”
6. Weave individual visions into a shared vision for life. Build a life that will allow each spouse to find purpose and fulfillment. Then, work as a team so that each can gradually accomplish what he or she wants to achieve. Of course, there may be times when one needs to let the other make more progress. Honor one another; take turns. Affirm your dedication to your success as individuals and as a team.
7. Do unto your spouse as you would have him or her do unto you. Step into his shoes. Try to see life from her perspective. Let The Golden Rule be your guide: treat one another with respect, understanding and grace.
8. When all of life seems to be caving in, remember, you have love. Possessions and money can be replaced. After any tragedy, what matters most is that the people you love are still there. Focus on what you DO have and enjoy it. Celebrate the smallest of blessings even when life feels heavy. Let the wings of love carry you through life’s dark times.
9. Take time to share your feelings and express your desires. Your spouse cannot read your mind and you cannot read your spouse’s mind. Be honest. Listen to one another without defense. Regular communication will keep walls from being silently built between you.
10. Commit yourself each day to finding the good—in yourself and your spouse. What we focus on grows. If you want to feel disappointed and resentful, you will find plenty of things to judge. However if your goal is compassion and encouragement, you will discover kind things to say to your spouse and about your spouse. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” (Mignon McLaughlin). Water the seeds of love by consistently seeking the best in your partner.
11. Laugh, dance and lighten up. When life seems overly serious and heavy, try to find something to laugh about. If laughter is hard to find, then at least put on some music and dance Someone once said, "If God is the DJ, then Life is the dance floor; Love is the rhythm, and You are the music."
Food For Thought
"I will ask no more of life
than this:
that I might love you
through all my days,
and that you may find
both peace and joy
in the constancy
of my heart."
Robert Sexton, American romantic, artist and poet
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