This week was one of the most difficult weeks I have experienced in years. It also brought the most personal transformation I've experienced in years.We all have deeply entrenched personal patterns of behavior and expression. As we understand our personal patterns and get to the "why," or the underlying beliefs, that are causing us to repeat them, we can then make more conscious choices for ourselves.
Let me explain on a simple, personal level. Growing up I lived in a situation where our family had to walk on eggshells all the time. My Dad was very unhappy and even threatened to commit suicide because he was in so much personal despair. My mom, brother and I would do our best "to make everything ok," so that we wouldn't cause my Dad to reaching a tipping point and move forward with his threat. We avoided conflict, keeping quiet at great personal cost.
I lived in fear that if I spoke my mind, something awful might happen.
We left my dad when I was 16 years old hoping that he would seek professional help. However, my Dad chose to remain angry and decided to be absent from my life. In fact, for almost 16 years, my Dad remained distant from my brother and me even though we both reached out to him, inviting him, asking him to be part of our lives.
Through this experience I developed the fear that men in my life would abandon me.
In every serious relationship I have had with a man, these underlying fears led me to repeat certain patterns. It looked something like this: Trish is in a relationship. She tries to keep peace at all costs. No matter how much something bothers her, she keeps her mouth shut. She hopes it will get better. She doesn't ask for what she wants. She doesn't even say what she needs. She holds too much fear that she will be abandoned.
Wow. I repeated this pattern over and over and carried it with me into my marriage. Even though my husband would ask me to tell him what I felt and to share what I really thought, my fear of being abandoned and my fear of receiving anger if I spoke my mind kept me in silence. Rather than asking for help in sharing responsibilities, I would take them on myself thinking I should be able to do it all. Change began a few years ago. I finally reached a point where I became so overwhelmed that I asked my husband to help. He gladly responded and gave me more assistance. Deep change began within me.
Yet, even though I was beginning to speak up more often, there were still many unspoken feelings in my heart because I still felt a great deal of fear.
The interesting thing is that in EVERY other relationship -- with my family, with my friends, with colleagues, with acquaintances, I am outspoken; I share my feelings freely.
This week was the first time I finally said everything I had in my heart to my husband. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I did communicate over the years -- but much was left unsaid between us because of our fear. My husband wasn't sharing many of his concerns with me because he was afraid of upsetting me. So, the two of us were operating in fear. This kept us from full honesty and openness.
Lack of communication in a marriage relationship causes difficulty. Lack of communication in any relationship causes misunderstanding.
I can't tell you how terrified I was this week to share everything in my heart with my husband. It's funny because he is a loving, caring man. There was no reason for me to hold back for so long. I faced some major fears this week. I looked them right in the eye. I looked at my fear of abandonment and said, "No matter what happens, I will be fine." I looked at my fear of conflict and said, "I am no longer afraid of an angry response, I must be honest and speak my truth."
This was a week of speaking my truth completely. My heart pounded as I did it. But, I did it anyway. I am determined to break my old, limiting patterns. I am determined to discover the parts of me that are still wounded and take the steps to heal. I want to experience a life where I can harness all of my power. I want a life so rich, joyful and full of love that I will never look back with regret.
I shed more tears this week than I have in years. The tears were beautiful -- they washed up deep layers of fear and self-doubt, that I didn't even know were there. By becoming conscious of my issues, I was able to sit with them and make deeper peace inside myself.
My husband and I have agreed that in order to create the relationship we both desire, we must speak the truth to each other. That is what loves does. It is new territory that we are walking together. These conversations have brought us deeper understanding and unity than I ever thought possible.
Are there areas of your life where you aren't speaking your truth? Look closely at these areas this week. As you do, you may find deep fears inside you causing you to hold back. These fears hinder you from becoming fully expanded and powerful. These fears keep you from experiencing the beauty and magnificence in life possible when you speak your truth from your heart.
Relief comes when we understand our patterns.
Joy comes when we see our underlying beliefs and realize there is a better approach we can take.
Beauty develops when we choose the belief we WANT to have and begin practicing it so that it becomes a new habit.
Excitement comes when we see that we can create EVERYTHING, literally EVERYTHING that our heart desires by moving beyond our fears, by releasing our self-doubt and by knowing that we are love embodied.
I am relieved. I am joyful. I feel beauty developing in areas of my life I never thought possible. I am excited for this journey. I anticipate all of my dreams coming true in the perfect timing of the Universe. I choose to know that love can be integrated into every aspect of who I am and every aspect of how I express myself in the World.
Part of me hesitated to share this with you because it is so personal. Yet, if just one of you reading this blog begins to speak your truth and move beyond your fears, I know it is worth it to have spoken my truth from the deepest part of my Soul.
With all my love and all my prayers that we finally begin to uncover and move beyond all our fearful beliefs,
Trish Omoqui
http://www.patriciaomoqui.com/
If you are ready to move beyond some of your personal patterns, please contact me for life coaching. I have become an expert at helping people see their patterns. I can provide you a supportive, loving space to work through these patterns so that you can begin to live the life your heart longs for. Please stop suffering in silence -- I did this for years and it is NOT worth it. You are ready for joy now. You are ready for peace now. . .so, if you would like my help, drop me an email at thoughtdr@patriciaomoqui.com .
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