As I sat with my chest pain and as I felt overcome by the emotional pain of my daughter's medical challenges, I began to break apart. Moments of sadness would flood my spirit--even in the workplace, I would have to retreat to my office or to the bathroom to force my tears to stay inside. I felt completely broken. Nothing made sense. How could I be this upset inside myself? Everyone around me seemed to be doing okay. But, I was shattered. I was trying very hard not to allow others to know the depths of my suffering and that only increased my levels of exhaustion.
Thankfully, I had a life line--my mom. She was someone who I could open up to and share the intensities of my inner world. She was patient. She simply listened as I processed aloud the challenges I was walking through. My mom is a deep, spiritual woman, incredibly wise from her own life-time of difficulties. She also happens to be a lover of books and had accumulated a whole library of spiritually focused reading materials. She handed me a book one day in hopes of extending something that could assist me in those dark, evening moments when I sat alone with my tears in my bedroom.
I placed the book on my bedside table and forgot about it. Until, one evening in my personal despair, I reached for it, opened it and began to read.
One concept in the book --one line of words--struck me deeply and offered me the clue I needed for the beginning phase of my transformation:
In any moment, you can either choose a thought that is based in fear or you can choose a thought that is based in love. If your thoughts are based in fear, you will experience pain and suffering. If your thoughts are based in love, you will create a life that feels joyful and peaceful.
The words caused me to pause and contemplate, to look deeply within myself. I had always thought of myself as a positive, optimistic person. I had been the "cheerleader" for others on and off the basketball court, the "inspirational person," the "glass-is-half-full" type of person. But as I read the words, I knew that my life felt full of pain and suffering. I had thought that it was the circumstances that were causing my distress. But, I decided to look a little closer. Were my thoughts based in fear? I had been an adventurer, traveling world wide. I was a dedicated Christian woman and constantly had turned to God for support and assistance my whole life. There was no way I was full of fear....or, was I?
I WAS. I WAS FULL. I WAS FULL OF FEAR.
I started the process of observing my thoughts one by one. I became determined. I was going to get to the bottom of this awful feeling I had inside myself. I did not like feeling this way. I did not want to live the rest of my days feeling the intense pain that had taken over my being. I did not want to be on the verge of tears all day, every day. I did not want to feel that life was a constant struggle.
So, the practice of observing my thoughts began. I literally studied my thinking through the day. I did so all day, every day for months. I used simple tools for this personal discovery. I had a journal and a pen. I logged my observations. I began to see that my mind was a busy, hot mess. It was full of all sorts of fearful thoughts--What would happen to my new baby--would she be okay or would she be destined to a life of limitation? Would my marriage survive? I did not want to end up divorced like my parents had. What did other people think of me? I was unhappy with my body and had struggled on the verge of an eating disorder from the time I was teen into my early twenties. Would I be stuck in a job that felt empty forever? I wondered if this was all there was to life. Yes, I was good at what I did in the workplace--one of the highest achievers and on the fast track to promotions that everyone longed for. But, it was not satisfying my deeper yearnings for meaning.
There it was, right in front of me in black and white. Thought after thought, thinking pattern after thinking pattern. I discovered the root of my suffering. I had a mind riddled with fear, self-doubt, self-judgment and guilt.
Sadness and grief overcame me. How had I learned to do this to myself? How could I be my own worst enemy? How could I have been causing this level of pain and suffering inside myself? How could I learn to get beyond this type of thinking?
I began to see that I, Patricia, was not the sum of my thoughts. There was something bigger to me, a grandness of my Being that existed beyond the small, furiously-thinking mind. My mind was one tool--a tool that I had been unaware of. A tool that had been mis-programmed and mis-used for 29 years.
I connected to that aspect of myself, I call it the "Observer," the part of me that could sit and observe what was happening inside my mind. I realized that as I watched the thinking, I did not necessarily have to identify with it nor feel the pain and suffering that it had been causing me for so long. I could sit, observe the patterns, chronicle them on paper and learn my personal patterns.
It was scary at first. It was incredibly humbling to get real with myself and look so closely at my inner messes. But, it was the first step to my recovery.
Are you ready to take a deeper look inside? It can seem frightening at first, but what I can promise is you is this: you will begin to find all the clues needed to regain your peace, to connect with your personal power and to begin to create a life that feels good to you. It starts with the inner work first. As the inner realm gets cleaned up, then the outer changes one desires naturally come about.
My outer circumstances didn't change for quite awhile. I sat in that boring office for several more years. But, it became an exciting place of self-discovery for me. My daughter didn't spontaneously heal. I had to walk day-by-day through countless tests, therapy appointments and difficult circumstances. I still had moments of deep sadness, deep despair and incredible disappointment with myself. But, I now knew how to trace my feelings back to the thoughts that were at the root of my pain. Day by day I observed and studied my patterns. Moment by moment I was led to the small changes I could make in my thinking that would begin to slowly alleviate my inner suffering.
Over a several year period I was able to do massive inner clean-up.
Beware: if you venture into this inner world and begin this process, you may not like what you find. Imagine going into a house that hasn't been cleaned for 29 years. Imagine stinky bags of rotting trash, piles upon piles of refuse and waste that has sat untouched. Imagine layers upon layers of dust and grime that have built up. Now, imagine being brave and putting on a haz-mat suit, and bag by bag, cleaning out the home of your mind. It's not the most enjoyable work at first, in fact it is stinky, dirty, yukky and can make you feel like you want to vomit. But like anything in life that ends up being worthwhile, putting forth the effort to clean the place up will result in some exciting rewards with time. Eventually, if you clean-up your mind thought by thought, room by room, you will create space for something new. And, every bag of trashy thinking you haul out, opens up a bit more room for some peace or some freedom.
If this is too overwhelming to do on your own, seek some help. A professional certified coach or a psychologist, a trusted counselor or a friend who has been through this process--find someone who can guide you, support you and listen to you as you go through this process of self-discovery. It is some of the hardest work I've ever done in my life but it pays off in a life-time of rewards. Changing from the inside out provides lasting, life-long results! It's worth of every second of effort.
I share this from the deepest part of my soul and with all the love I have in me,
Patricia Omoqui, The Thought Dr.
www.patriciaomoqui.com
Yes, I am a professional certified coach--and I'm so thankful I had to go through this my process myself. I have expertise in guiding others through life transformations. So, if you are ready to pay for the support you need, reach out to me. It is a joy for me to work with those who are READY to put the work in for this deep level of life-change.
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